Children are a gift from God…

Whether they come to us biologically or through the miracle of adoption. Whether toddlers going through the terrible twos, teens trying to test their wings in ways that make parents want to pull out their hair, or adult sons and daughters who gain independence, leaving our nests empty, our children are a blessing.

Alycia Morales, mother of six, knows this to be true. More, she knows the heartache of losing one of these, God’s greatest gifts. And because she’s experienced the immense joy of motherhood, how great the sorrow when her son Caleb passed away on January 3, 2021 after a tragic automobile accident.

From depth of insight and deep personal experience, Alycia wrote Surviving the Year of Firsts—A Mom’s Guide to Grieving Child Loss. It’s her desire that grieving moms understand that each grief journey is different, the pathway toward healing is unique, and, above all–

There’s One who never leaves, no matter how dark the days.

Though I’ve never experienced the death of a child, my husband and I have experienced child loss—once in 1998 (Devon) and, ten years later, in 2008 (Kristie). Both losses were the result of failed adoptions, each a little girl we’d hoped would be ours. Heartache increased when, only weeks after her birth in May 1998, an infant Devon passed, having been returned to her dysfunctional home. The pain was almost unbearable… but God.

When I had the recent privilege of joining Alycia’s launch team for her Surviving the Year of Firsts, I had no idea that within less than two months, four women I knew—two who were dear friends—would lose sons in tragic ways. Again… but God. It seemed Alycia’s book couldn’t have come at a better time.

With Christmas just around the corner, not to mention a new year, many grieving moms are facing poignant firsts, but, in truth, they already have. After all, the Monday after a child’s passing is a first, as is the first day of a new month, the first new season, and so on. For a full year after a son’s or daughter’s passing, there are many painful firsts mothers (and fathers) must face.

In her book, Alycia helps moms in particular navigate through the firsts, reminding them they’re not journeying alone. Not only does she share from her personal experience of loss, but Alycia provides in each of her fifty-two chapters a helpful survival tip, a nugget of scripture, and a question(s) upon which to reflect.

I recently had the joy of sitting down with Alycia to learn more about her journey. I asked her some questions, and I believe her answers will prove helpful for those preparing for the first Christmas without a beloved son or daughter.

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Q: Caleb passed away only days after Christmas 2020. You mention in your book how, at Christmastime that year, your family focused more on time together and less on the tangibles. How do you think this prepared you for what was coming in such a short amount of time?

A: Caleb was one who loved family time and being together. Our focus on each other and less on the gifts and the Christmas hype left us with memories that were only possible because of the intentional time we spent together. If you ask anyone in our family, they will tell you that God settled a peace that passes all understanding over that Christmas for us. After January 2nd (the date of the accident) and our loss on the 3rd, we understood why He blessed us that peaceful Christmas and the time together.

Q: Christmas is, for many, a nostalgic season—a mingling of both bitter and sweet. For you and your family, the heartache of loss less than a year prior undoubtedly affected your holiday emotions as you approached that first Christmas without Caleb. Can you describe that?

A: In STYOF, I talk about how I noticed that grief and joy mingle. We have the joy of Christmas and our Savior’s birth mingling with the grief our Father and Mary would suffer as Jesus went to the cross for our sins, so that we could experience the Father’s love for us in this life and into eternity. Grief and joy mingle. Hebrews 12:2 reminds us–He pressed on toward the cross, toward grief and pain, because of the joy set before him (paraphrase). Caleb knew Jesus, and though we miss him here, we know we’ll be with him again one day, in heaven. That first Christmas was painful, but there was joy knowing where Caleb was, that he was celebrating with Jesus, face to face.

Q: In chapter 46 of your book, you talk about traditions. You confess filling Caleb’s Christmas stocking that first year was very painful, and you wept. But God comforted you, using your older son Zach. Has this tradition gotten easier over the years since Caleb’s passing?

A: Our tradition has been to allow the kids to retrieve and open their stockings at any point after midnight on Christmas Eve. Funny, they never took us up on it. Every year, we’ve opened our stockings together as a family. As I hung the stockings in 2021, I realized I didn’t want Caleb’s to remain empty while ours were stuffed full. It would be too sad a reminder. But I didn’t want to leave his packed away, either. So, I chose to fill Caleb’s stocking with things I imagined he would have purchased for his siblings and us, his parents. It was a way of allowing him to be with us in his absence, and it turned out his siblings and dad appreciated the gesture too. As I stuffed the stockings Christmas Eve, a flood of sorrow hit, and I did ugly cry for a few minutes. Zachary was visiting that year, and he watched from the couch for a couple of minutes before he wrapped his arms around me as only a son does. It was very comforting and a moment that touched my heart. And in answer to the second part of your questions—yes, it has gotten easier, at least most years. In fact, I’m overwhelmed with joy as God’s been demonstrating His great love, even in the midst of my grief, this year. He understands the pain of loss; after all, He gave His son to us, which is the greatest gift.

Q: What would you say to the grieving mom out there who isn’t ready to move on as she faces the first Christmas without her son or daughter, for example?

A: We each deal with grief differently and each journey toward healing is unique. For some, keeping the same traditions might be too difficult, so perhaps they will choose to alter their plans or change them altogether—either for one year, for several, or maybe permanently. For others, they may want to keep their traditions and find a way to incorporate their loved one. I want other grieving moms to know it’s okay to do what’s right for you and your family, and you shouldn’t feel guilty, no matter what you decide to do this holiday. Allow God to comfort you. He may use the embrace of a family member or friend, or He may speak through a particular scripture. He promises His comfort. Psalm 30:5, 11 says—Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning… You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness (NKJV). 

Q: Since Caleb’s passing, has God ever given you a wink, as if to say, “Your boy’s with me. He’s fine”?

A: Oh yes. In August of 2021, I was flying to spend time with a friend. I love sitting in the window seat so I can watch the clouds and take photos. One cloud caught my attention and wouldn’t let go. I snapped a few photos and moved on to another cloud off on the horizon. When we stopped for my layover and I reviewed the photos, the cloud looked nothing like it had on the plane. My son’s form was in that cloud. I knew God was telling me Caleb was okay and that He loved me.

Q: Finally, is there a song that is meaningful to you, something that musically or lyrically has brought you comfort?

A: Caleb loved music. It was his thing. And I, too, have found that music can heal. It ministers to me and has for most of my life. I actually have a Spotify list I’ve titled “Mourning Songs.” It contains over ten hours of music by both Christian and secular artists. All of them remind me we’re not alone—that everybody hurts sometimes. Five songs on my list are:

  1. “Beat You There” by Will Dempsey
  2. “Into the Sea (It’s Gonna Be Okay)” by Tasha Layton
  3. “It Is Well”—Live Version by Bethel Music / Kristene DiMarco
  4. “Worthy of My Song” by Phil Wickham
  5. “Visiting Hours” by Ed Sheeran

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Thank you, dear Alycia…

For sharing your heart—your pain and progress toward healing. Friends, let’s continue to pray for her and for her husband and family. And let’s pray for all grieving moms out there, at Christmas and throughout the year.

Father, thank You for the comfort You alone can give. Thank You for sending Your son. Because Jesus came, we have the assurance of heaven for anyone who knows him personally–yes, for those who call him Savior. Please be near all those who are grieving and bend low to heal. A bruised reed You will not forsake. Use Alycia’s book as part of that healing, we ask–in Jesus’s name. Amen.

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**For a chance to win a copy of Surviving the Year of Firsts, please leave a comment. I’ll draw a name from those who participate next Wednesday, December 25th!**

Merry Christmas, dear friends.